One of a Kind News

"Learn to say "No" so you can say "Yes" to Your Life"
March 15, 2001
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Table of Contents

1. Welcome Notes
2. Article – Say "Yes" to Your Life
3. Words of Wisdom
4. Resources

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1. Welcome Notes

Dear Friends,

Life is good! Spring is just around the corner and we, in the
Northwest, survived a 6.8 magnitude earthquake without too
much damage. Frankly, I was terrified. The one thing that
became clear to me was that I had no control over what might
happen. I just had to let go and ride it through. Seismologists say
that we have a big quake in our future, so we are busy shoring up
our structures and preparing for that possibility. The bigger the
quake, the stronger our supporting structures need to be.

In our lives we have control over some things and not others.
One thing we do have control over is building a strong support
structure for our lives. An important part of that is our personal
boundary system, the yes's and no's of our lives. The bigger our
goals and dreams, the stronger our support structure needs to be.

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2. Learn to say "No" so you can say "Yes" to Your Life

"Yes" and "No". These are the two most powerful words in our
vocabulary. Each moment of the day we are saying yes or no to
something. We create our lives by these two words. When we
say "Yes" to something, we go in one direction and when we say
"No", we head in another direction.

What are you saying yes to in your life? Is your life going the
way you want it to? How is it for you to say no to something or
someone? Saying no to someone can be difficult. Can you think
of times in your life when you've said yes when you wanted to
say no? What happens when you say yes when you want to say
no? You can feel it in your body. You may feel:

A) Depressed –You gave up your "Self"- made what another
wants more important than what you want.

B) Resentful – Toward the other person for putting you in this
position - for making you do something you don't want to do.

C) Drained - It's always energy draining when you're not being
true to yourself.

D) Confused – Losing touch with what's important to you.

E) Frustrated – Not getting the things done that are important to
you.

Why do we have a hard time saying no? It could be fear of being
abandoned, rejected or worse – being called "selfish". Or maybe
we think the other person can't manage without us. Maybe we
don't have a direction in our life, and since we don't know where
we're going, it doesn't much matter whether we say yes or no.

If saying no is difficult for you, what can you do to make it
easier? Here are my Top 10 Tips for making it easier to say no
more often, so you can say yes to your life:

1. Get clear about what's REALLY important to you. Create
your personal strategic plan – your vision and goals. Remember
that old saying "If you don't know where you're going, how will
you know when you get there?"

2. Use an "Absolute Yes" list. This idea came from Cheryl
Richardson's book "Life Makeovers". "This is a list of the top
five priorities that need attention in your life for the next three to
six months" It serves as a light illuminating your yes and no
decisions. For example, my "Absolute Yes" list consists of:

A) Vibrant health
B) Strong relationships with family and friends
C) Abundant financial resources
D) A nurturing and nourishing home and work environment
E) A successful, fulfilling coaching practice

When I receive a request or am tempted to add something else to
my life, I check my "Absolute Yes" list to see if it fits.

3. Share your vision and "Absolute Yes" list" with your loved
ones. Tell them what you are up to and ask for their support.
People who love and care for you want what's best for you.

4. Practice Mindfulness – be aware in the moment. Give
yourself time to make a mindful decision – it's worth it. Tell the
person you'll get back to them. And then:

a) Check in with your "Absolute Yes" list and your vision. Ask
yourself, "Does this fit in with what's most important to me and
will this take me closer or further away from my destination?"

b) If you are tempted to say yes even though everything in you
says no, ask yourself "What would be my intention in saying
yes?" This is time for ruthless honesty. Would it be to please
another, avoid conflict – what is it that's tempting you to
sabotage yourself ?

c) And finally, ask yourself, "Is this an emergency?" and "Does
this person have other alternatives?"

By this time, you will be clear on what your decision is.

5. Practice saying "No". Start with little things until you get
comfortable and then stretch to the bigger things. If you've been
in the habit of people pleasing, you may feel guilty. Do it
anyway. The more you practice saying no, the less guilt you'll
feel.

6. Watch others that you respect, chances are they set good
boundaries. Observe how they do it and what they say. Look at
their body language. Model their behavior.

7. Ask yourself "Whose life am I leading anyway?" This is your
life – you own it, are responsible for it and you are the only one
who can make it the life you want.

8. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence. Explaining
makes you less credible and leaves the door open for arguments.

9. Respect others boundaries. It's a two way street.

10. Know that you are building trust. Saying yes when you want
to say no harms your trust for yourself and other's trust for you.

Now for the wonderful benefits of saying no when you want to
say no. You will feel:

A) Joy – You are giving yourself the freedom to do the things
that are important to you – to live your own life.

B) Warmth and compassion towards others. When you're being
true to yourself and honoring your own boundaries, you naturally
feel more generous to others. You want to give more.

C) Energized – It's always energizing when you are being true
to yourself.

D) Trustworthy - You trust yourself more – consequently others
trust you more

E) Clear – You're able to stay focused on what's important to
you. No more stops and starts.

F) Productive – Boundaries allow you to build momentum. You
will find yourself accomplishing more in less time.

Imagine driving from Seattle to Chicago with no boundaries – no
speed limits, street signs, stop lights, dividers, and no police
officers to enforce these boundaries. Do you think you would
reach Chicago safely? Do you think you would reach Chicago at
all? Fortunately our roads do have boundaries and they protect
us and help us get where we are going. The same is true for our
personal boundaries – they protect our resources, time, money,
energy, and space and help us get where we are going. Are your
boundaries helping you get where you want to go?

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3. Words of Wisdom

"Your lack of planning does not for me constitute an emergency"
--Author Unknown

"Unless someone truly has the power to say no, they never truly
have the power to say yes."
--Dan Millman

"The most important promises are the ones you make to
yourself".
--Mary Ann Radmacher

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4. Resources

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith

This is a classic! Even though it was first published in 1975, this
book continues to be a big seller and gets five stars from
Amazon.com. It can help you say no and feel good about it.

Better Boundaries; Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan
Black & Greg Enns

This is a great book on Boundaries – the best I've read. "If you
feel like you have trouble saying no to others, at work or at
home, or if you feel your life is being squandered by good but
unintentional activities and relationships, this book can help you
establish more effective boundaries." The authors "teach you
how to view yourself as a treasure to be protected, so that you
can learn how to enjoy a life of evolving authenticity".

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Until we meet again, remember to:

Count your garden by the flowers,
Never by the leaves that fall.
Count your days by golden hours,
Don't remember clouds at all.
Count your nights by stars, not shadows.
Count your years with smiles, not tears.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
Count your age by friends, not years.
--Author Unknown

Blessings to you and yours,

Sharon

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Sharon Demarte is a Quality of Life Coach. She coaches
individuals by telephone and internet, helping her clients close
the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Her
clients come from all walks of life. She works best with people
who have a strong desire, a willingness to take action, and are
motivated to increase the quality of their lives – sometimes even
in difficult situations.

One of her specialties is working with Caregivers. She works
with caregivers to help them avoid caregiver burnout and
maintain their own health, well-being and quality of life while
caring for another. She also loves to work with people who are
Too Young To Retire – they are the age of customary retirement,
but choose to go on to yet another career.

If you are a person who wants more out of life and would like to
explore the possibilities of partnering with Sharon as your coach,
please contact her in whatever way is comfortable for you. By
email: demartes@nventure.com; by fax (confidential): 253-568-
0453; by telephone: 206-938-1867.

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Copyright © 2000, 2001 all rights reserved. Permission is
granted to reproduce, copy or distribute One of a Kind News so
long as this copyright notice and full information about
contacting the author is attached. The author of this newsletter
is: Sharon L. Demarte, M.A.

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