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One of a Kind News

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Table of Contents

1. Welcome Notes
2. Article -- What Your Garden Can Teach You
3. Words of Wisdom
4. Resources

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1. Welcome Notes

I am pleased and honored to welcome several new subscribers! It is with a sense of fulfillment that I watch One of a Kind News continue to grow. My thanks go to those of you who recommend it to others. To me that is the highest compliment.

One subject that elicits a lot of interest is that of boundaries. My article "Learn To Say "NO" So You Can Say "YES" To Your Life" was recently published in another online newsletter, "The Virtual Advantage". The responses I received from this article tell me that we are all a bit confounded by setting boundaries. At some level we know that we need to set boundaries and yet it seems to be one of the most challenging things for us to do.

I am considering writing "A Simple Guide to Setting Boundaries" to address this challenge. I imagine this as a small E-book that I make available on my web site at a nominal price. Is this something that you would find of value? If so, please let me know. You can email me at Sharon@sharondemarte.com I welcome your input on what you would find particularly helpful in this book.

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2. What Your Garden Can Teach You About Your Life

It's spring and my thoughts turn to gardening. I have a vision of transforming my small deck into a flower garden. As the gardener, it's up to me to determine what kind of garden it will be. Will it be a lush, bountiful, fully blossoming garden or will it be scrawny, sparse and barely surviving? That will depend on the kind of environment I am willing to create for it. Am I willing to spend the time up front to build a strong foundation, or do I just want to throw in a few flowers for a quick splash of color? Am I willing to provide all of it's needs; water, nutrients, sunlight, space, care, nurturing, support and love. Am I willing to protect it from toxins, pests, diseases and storms? The bottom line is am I willing to invest my time, money and energy to create a stress free environment that will allow my flower garden to grow abundantly? The outcome is up to me.

The same is true for our lives. We are part of nature and our lives are much like gardens. We can choose to be master gardeners of our lives or just throw a few seeds in occasionally and see what happens; leave it to fate. We get out of our lives what we are willing to put in. We can choose to create a life that is joyful, peaceful and flows effortlessly or we can accept struggling, striving and surviving as just the way life is.

The other day I picked up a brochure on stress management. I was struck by how much my thinking has changed on this subject. We take it for granted that stress is just a part of life; that we have to learn to manage it. In fact, we are told that we need some stress in our lives or we would be bored, listless and unfulfilled. I no longer agree with this way of thinking. Eliminating stress is a much more powerful way to live than merely managing it.

Stress = adrenaline. Adrenaline is a natural drug released into our body when we are feeling threatened. It provides us with quick energy to protect ourselves from danger. This is called the "stress response" or "fight or flight" response. Our body and mind revs up to fight or flee the danger. That is the only natural use of adrenaline.

When our lives are full of struggling, striving and surviving (stress filled), adrenaline release is ongoing; it's as though we are living in constant danger. When adrenaline use becomes chronic, what was meant to save us from danger (adrenaline) becomes a danger to us. Our bodies were not designed to be revved up all the time. Through time, chronic use of adrenaline zaps our natural energy, leads to burnout, breakdown and eventually disease.

What does this have to do with our garden analogy?

Plants will still try to grow even in very stressful conditions. We've all seen the lone flower that pushes it's way through a crack in the sidewalk struggling and striving to grow toward the light. Nature is amazingly resilient. But it can only live under that level of stress for so long; eventually it withers and dies.

As part of nature, we are the same. A garden or a single plant can't flourish under stress and neither can we. For us to flourish we need a stress free environment. The meaning of flourishing is to thrive, enjoy vigorous growth, prosper, be robust, succeed and grow stronger. The meaning of stress is pressure, strain, tension, distress, pain, and trouble. They are opposites. It doesn't make sense that stress can add even one good thing to our lives.

We don't need any kind of stress to be excited about life, productive and fulfilled. As we eliminate stress from our lives we naturally evolve to using more positive sources of energy such as inner peace, love and passion. From this place, our creativity blossoms, we make better choices, our life is joyful and flows naturally and effortlessly.

Is it possible to live a stress free life? I believe it is. I have been working on becoming stress free for a year and I still have a ways to go. I can tell that I've come a long way toward that kind of life though because I no longer look for calming agents and stress relievers. Rather I look for how I can eliminate the stressors. Most of us have many stressors in our lives and we can't eliminate them all overnight. We can eliminate most of them one at a time. Following are some steps you can take to start working toward a stress free life; one in which YOU can flourish:

Step 1 - The first step in eliminating stressors is to identify them. What are the stressors in your life? What are the things that are keeping you from living the life you want? What are the things that are draining your life energy?

Typical stressors are:

1. Tolerations. All of those things that bug you on a day-to-day basis.

2. Being too busy. Having too many balls in the air. Feeling like your life is running you instead of you running your life.

3. $ Problems. Any type of financial worries.

4. Lack of boundaries. Letting others determine your life.

5. Health problems.

6. Relationship difficulties with anyone.

7. Lack of support. Not having enough supportive people in your life.

8. Hating your work or anything else for that matter

9. Not feeling like you are living the life you were meant to live.

10. Addictions of any kind. Spending, a chemical substance, living on adrenaline. Yes, adrenaline can become an addiction.

11. Fears about the future ñ what if's ñ playing in your mind.

12. Unresolved issues from the past; grievances toward others or guilts and regrets over your own past actions.

Step 2 - Now that you have identified your stressors, ask yourself for each one, "What can I do to eliminate this (stressor) completely from my life? Capture the ideas that come up for you as these will likely become part of your action plan. (At this point, you may identify some stressors that you don't have the power to eliminate ñ put them on a separate list and we'll deal with them later in this article.)

Step 3 - Prioritize these stressors for elimination. This is an individual process. The key is to find what works best for you. Would it be more beneficial for you to eliminate a "biggy" first or would you do better to eliminate several small stressors first to build momentum?

Step 4 - Take your highest priority item, develop an action plan, if needed and start eliminating it. Hint: Your "biggys" will likely need an action plan. Refer back to Step 2 and use those ideas as a jumping off place for creating your action plan.

Step 5 - Take action. Based on your priorities, start handling these stressors one at a time. Resolve each one fully and completely so that they can't come back to bite you later. For those stressors that can be eliminated quickly and easily ñ just do it!

Step 6 - Celebrate each stressor you eliminate. Don't leave this step out. You have done something important for your life! Even if it's only a small stressor, and you feel like it's no big deal, celebrate it anyway. Most of us don't give ourselves enough credit for our accomplishments.

Step 7 - Continue working down your list using Steps 2 ñ 6 until you have eliminated each and every stressor. Have patience with yourself and the process. Know that it may take some time and effort on your part and IT IS WORTH IT! You don't have to wait until you have completed this to begin enjoying the results. The benefits will be apparent to you right away.

Now, back to the stressors that you can't do anything about. Even though we have situations in our lives that we have no control over, there are still many things we can do to ease up the stress on ourselves. The following are my top 10:

1. Turn them over to your Higher Power. Know that you are not alone and that you are being helped by a power greater than yourself.

2. Accept it. All stress is caused by resisting what is. Rather, resist nothing! I have found it immensely helpful to just repeat to myself "resist nothing". Try it, you will feel your body begin to relax.

3. Look for the learnings and gifts in the situation. I know this can be very difficult to see when you are in the midst of a painful situation. Usually we can't see the gifts and learnings until after the situation is over. Try it anyway!

4. Know that this is temporary. Life is about change and even the most difficult situations change over time.

5. Get support from family and friends. Support and love from others goes a long way toward helping us cope with difficult situations.

6. Love yourself. Garner the compassion for yourself that you would give to others in the same situation.

7. Focus on those things you can do something about. Refuse to dwell on those you can't do anything about.

8. Use the following mantras or some that work better for you: a) "I don't do stress" and b) "Inner peace is my greatest goal".

9. Adopt some stress management techniques. There are a multitude of them. Find what works for you and implement them.

10. Look for and reach out to help others in similar stressful situations. As we help others, we naturally help ourselves.

What about new stressors that threaten to come into your life? As you begin experiencing the benefits of having less stress in your life, you'll likely: a) Find yourself becoming more sensitized to and aware of any potential stressors. b) Find yourself less willing to tolerate stressors. c) Begin jumping right in and handling problems before they get a stranglehold in your life. d) Make living a stress free life a high priority.

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3. Words of Wisdom

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row.
-- Nursery Rhyme that kept going through my mind as I wrote this article.

Serenity Prayer
"God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
the difference."

"If it's to be, it's up to me."
-An old axiom

" To put a situation in God's hands means that we put our thinking about
the situation in God's hands, because the first thing we want to do when
confronted with any problem is to go directly to the causal level of a
problem, and that is the level of consciousness. So you don't say, Dear
God, fix the situation with money; you say, Dear God, open my eyes to
see what I might not be seeing. Open my ears to allow me to hear what I
might not be hearing. Open my heart that I might forgive anybody that it
would help me to forgive here, which means everyone. Dear God, enter
my thinking that I might in all ways think about this situation as you
would have me think about it. "
--Marianne Williamson
from her lecture of 1/13/02 God Is Your Employer

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4. Resources

"Hold a book in your hand and you're a pilgrim at the gates of a
new city."
--Anne Michaels

Life Was Never Meant to Be a Struggle, by Stuart Wilde

This is a wonderful little book! Here's an excerpt from the book:
"By having the courage to identify and face the causes of
struggle in your life, you grant yourself the power to transcend.
Once you accept that you are the cause of struggle, you can then
affirm, with certainty, that all struggle in your life can be
eliminated, given time." Click this link to go right to the
Amazon.com page.

Take Time for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson

Cheryl Richardson is one of the top coaches in the country. You
may have seen her on the Oprah show. In this book Cheryl
shows you how to switch from being stressed, unfulfilled, and
overworked, to "living a life you love". Highly recommended.
Click this link to go right to the Amazon.com page.

A List of 500 Examples of Tolerations

Sometimes we overlook all of the things in life we are putting up
with. There are many, many more than we think. This list could
help you become aware of some tolerations that may be draining
you that you haven't been aware of. If you would like to receive
this list, just email me at Sharon@sharondemarte.com and I will
forward it to you.

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Until we meet again, remember to:

Count your garden by the flowers,
Never by the leaves that fall.
Count your days by golden hours,
Don't remember clouds at all.
Count your nights by stars, not shadows.
Count your years with smiles, not tears.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
Count your age by friends, not years.
--Author Unknown

Blessings to you and yours,

Sharon

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Copyright © 2000, 2001 all rights reserved.
U.S. Library of Congress ISSN: 1536-5891
Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute One of a Kind News so long as this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author is attached. The author of this newsletter is: Sharon L. Demarte, M.A.