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Current Issue |
One of a Kind News Table of Contents
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 1. Welcome Notes A warm welcome to several new subscribers! I'm glad you are here! If you would like to review past issues of One of a Kind News, click on Archives List. I hope you enjoyed the holiday season and are ready for a whole new year. I love this time of year. We have passed the shortest day and from now until June 21st, the days will get longer. A colleague recently told me about a 15-year-old boy who nearly died of alcohol poisoning over the holidays. He skipped school and drank with friends. These so-called friends left him passed out on the side of the road. An angel, in the uniform of a policeman, found him just in the knick of time. A few more minutes and he would have died. As she was telling me about this, the question that came up for me was "I wonder if his ship is headed in the direction he wants to go?" This is a good question for all of us to ask ourselves. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 2. Love Your Self, Learn to Say No No is a powerful word. I once took a street defense class with my daughter, Shelly. In simulated exercises, men in helmets and padded clothing approached us in menacing ways and we were taught how to protect ourselves. These simulations felt amazingly real! Saying "NO!" was always the first step. We learn to say no loudly and from a place of inner strength. There was something about the way we were taught to say no that seemed to increase our overall strength; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Most of us have a hard time saying no and don't say it often enough. Saying no is about setting and maintaining boundaries around our "Real Selves"; our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, choices, needs, values, dreams, hopes and resources (money, energy, & time). Boundaries are about saying no to everything that diminishes our lives in any way so that we can say yes to those things that enrich, enhance and nurture our lives. How many people do you know who have good boundaries? I can think of a few, but not many. It's not surprising given that most of us were raised to not be selfish and we often see saying no as being selfish. Also, it's likely that few of us had any good role models for setting boundaries. As far as I know, boundaries are not taught in schools. Oh, some specialty programs, like psychology, touch on boundaries, but for the most part, boundaries are not something we learn about through formal education. Martha Beck (you may have seen her on Oprah), in her book "Finding Your Own North Star," writes, "Take your age and subtract two. That's the number of years you've spent forcing yourself to say 'yes' when your essential (Real) self wanted to say 'no'." I love that! It's so true for most of us. I cringe when I hear a parent tell a child "Don't be selfish". I cringe because being taught to not be selfish caused so much pain in my own life. I was raised to think that being selfish was about the worst thing I could be. It was so ingrained in me that I did anything and everything to avoid being selfish. I said yes when I wanted to say no, I put everyone else before myself, I gave when I couldn't afford to give, and I minimized my own wants and needs. This all led to my being "Self-Less". Being Self-Less is about not having a clear sense of your Real Self; of who you are, of what you want and of what you think. When you are Self-Less, you have a hard time making healthy choices. Because I was Self-Less, I made a lot of unhealthy choices that created much pain in my life. If you don't know what is going on in your inner life, including your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings, how can you make choices that are in your best interest? We were not meant to be Self-Less. Jesus taught us to build our houses on a strong foundation. This teaching can be applied to many areas of our lives including building a strong Self. He also said something about let your Yes be Yes and your No be No (if anyone knows the verse I'm referring to, please let me know). The Buddha wrote: "An unreflecting mind (not knowing your Self) is a poor roof (protection of your Self). Passion, like the rain, floods the house. But if the roof (boundary system) is strong, there is shelter." It occurs to me that without boundaries, you cannot know your Self. Without knowing your Self, you cannot set healthy boundaries. A catch-22 eh? So, how do you get out of that loop? One small step at a time. The first step is to decide to start making conscious choices. When I say conscious choices, I mean to not answer yes or no until you have taken the time to check in with your Self (using your reflecting mind) and have listened to what your Self is telling you. Your Self is always trying to guide you to make choices that are in your best interest. It's your responsibility to listen. Each time you go within and follow your inner guidance, your Self is strengthened. The stronger your Self becomes, the easier it is to set boundaries and you are creating a very different loop. Coaching Challenge: Try saying no to everything for an entire week. If you can't do it for a week, try a day. If that's still too hard, do it for an hour. The point is to become conscious. (Do use wisdom here, you may not want to say no to your boss, for example.) Coaching Tip: "NO" is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain to anyone. Another Coaching Tip: If saying no without explanation is too far out of your comfort zone at this time, you can soften it by saying something like "My inclination is to say no, but let me think about it." That will give you time to connect to your Self and make a conscious choice. A Warning: If up until now, you have been a people pleaser, those people will not like it when you start saying no. Do it anyway. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"Saying YES and NO clearly builds confidence and rids us of the misconceptions that we are powerless." --Marsha Sinetar "Remember, you create your own reality by the choices you make in the moment. Today, go for more moments of creating 'heaven on earth.' It's your choice. Efficient decisions from the heart (inner self) will take you there." --Doc Childre, The HeartMath Solution "Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are." --Ancient Chinese Proverb "This is what I want from now on; a slower pace, a more centered existence, and the feelings of perfect happiness to be found in the moments I come home to myself (Real Self)." --Linda Weltner = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Below are three books related to setting boundaries that I like. I have provided links to Amazon.com so you can take a look. Boundaries And Relationships, Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles L. Whitfield, MD When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith Better Boundaries; Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan Black & Greg Enns. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Count your garden by the flowers, Blessings to you and yours, Sharon = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
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